Something Unfavorite - Toys with Noise rant

Let this be a warning to all present and future parents, all current friends, neighbors and relatives and most especially to all toy designers and manufacturers: Noisy Toys Be Damned

At what point in our human evolution did we decide that somehow our babies weren't being properly stimulated unless they had a toy that was bright, plastic and NOISY? Wooden trains not good enough? Frisbee too dull and boring? Even Barbie kept her mouth shut thankfully. And what happened to a good old fashioned BALL?

Last Christmas our neighbors, who probably do qualify for some sort of "Best Neighbor in the World" award, did the unthinkable. They bought our children large extravagant gifts for Christmas. Amazing as they are, they bought one toy that at this point is haunting me in my sleep, ala "Chuckie". It's name is T. J. Bearytales. It "reads" stories to kids (because we parents have gotten to lazy to do it?) It says things like "bear-ific!" much to my annoyance. It has both a soft and LOUD volume, as if it's necessary. I know my neighbors meant well, they just likely don't realize exactly how un-bear-able these things can be.

Did you know there is actually a whole category of these toys that don't have an OFF button? Who's the sadist who thought that was a brilliant idea? I'm going to collect a whole truckload of these toys - real sounds motorcycle handlebars, Elmo guitar, and Batman monster truck included - and send them to that guy's house right after I know he's just quit smoking cold turkey.

I secretly sneak into my kids rooms at night and try to remove these toys without setting off their hideous noises. The next day I try to explain where the Shake 'n' Go Racers have gone. Is there a toy heaven? or hell?

Now I realize that as parents we take some blame. We get sucked into the cuteness of toys just as much as the little booties and tiny handprint keepsakes. "My kid would LOVE this!", we exclaim. It's just that as kids get older, or you have more than one, you start to figure out reality from stupidity. Don't get suckered by the TMX Elmo. TMX stands for Tickle me XTREME, like a small red talking, giggling puppet isn't bad enough now it has to move?. You might think it's cute until your one year old has twitchy spasms of terror after seeing it roll on the floor for real. Elmo is a monster after all.

I'm not suggesting we all dump these toys into garbage cans and take care of them bra burning style. It's just as in everything else - think before you buy. Let's vow not to inflict noisy toys on our brethren. Or more importantly, let's try to buy less there's-a-good-chance-this-will-be- recalled-for-lead-paint toys. And don't forget, the same guy who brought us these wonderfully stimulating toys is probably also behind the idea that processed cardboard food would somehow be better for us than real food.